I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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