He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
