Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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