I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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