Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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