He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
