i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
wow bdsm is so cute
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
