I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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