Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your cock deserves a montage
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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