farters have to be the big spoon...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
