I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
