Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
