Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
