Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
