His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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