Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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