Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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