I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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