Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
