and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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