I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
