wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
