DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
