I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
