I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
