We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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