She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You left your phone here
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