The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
