Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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