Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
