I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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