i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
