well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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