3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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