I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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