Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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