Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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