Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
