I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
