I got chris browned last night
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
