I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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