I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
