I accidentally burped into my bong.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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