Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
