No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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