just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
