the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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