she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Sober January is a disaster.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
