But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
