I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
