I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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