I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
