his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
