the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
