and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
